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Dramadramadrama
Group Monday was very hard and draining. I couldn't control my tears, part of me thinks it had to do with the weekend (E). I was annoyed that I had to cry but also a little relieved. My emotions are kept savely at the bottom somewhere, and most of the time I am not even sure I have feelings/emotions left. Which is scary. So yeah, I couldn't quite decipher what I was crying about but it felt cathartic. At the end of the day my counselor wanted an individual meeting and she suggested I reconsidered going in fulltime. So, that is where my head has been the last couple of days. I have made endless lists with pros and cons and... I just cant figure it out. Honestly, the main reason for not going to inpatient is Not because I think I will do just fine with the parttime program, but because if I do so, I won't have that security backdoor back to my ed. And I have admitted this, and to my mother. I will give it plenty of thought the coming weeks but.... I don't know. The girl in the group who was so abrasive and reluctant at first yesterday told me she decided last week to go into IP and I am so fucking jealous of her (next to being really happy for her, naturally!). She was able to make this decision and 100% commit, She is happy with her decision. I wish I was not afraid to say YES PLEASE TAKE ME IN AND FEED ME LARD 24/5 (5 days a week lol) SO I AM ABLE TO WALK OUT OF HERE IN 6 MONTHS ALL ROUND AND PLUMP YET INSANELY HAPPY AND ~NORMAL~. For a long time I thought being normal was dull and boring, now I wish I could just be normal.
Yesterday a piece of filling in my tooth chipped off biting a piece of (hard) gum and it hurts &&(GYFF^&^R. Why always Me?
Things between me and Bart are going better, I think. I fel less annoyed all of the time and I am groing more towards him again. Yet the sexual feelings still have nowhere but reappeared. I want to have a good conversation with him sometime soon. You know, the 'where is this all going' classic. Because, where IS this all going? I love him, he loves me, but its a fucked up time for me right now and we Still don't Talk or Do stuff together. Other than watching tv. And despite how much I love him, that is just Not enough.
The party Saturday was wild. I think I danced for a solid 10 hours. We were there from 23:30 to 11:30am and between 7-9am I was totally wiped out, I even took 2 halves of E to try and give me some energy but NOTHING. I even almost fell asleep almost at one point LOL. Can you imagine it? A tiny basement (which was one of the tons of different areas) full of sweaty bouncy people with deafening techno music, and I am sitting in a corner on a couch trying to stay awake :p.
I might post my +/- list of my ed (which was an assignment) here and the one I made with pros and cons for outpatient vs inpatient. In the meantime, feel free to shine some light on the subject. But please be 04819% honest. Don't feel obliged to say I should Definitely go for IP because that would be the 'sane' thing to say or the politically correct. I am being honest about my alterior motives for Not wanting to go IP, so you can be honest as well.
xxxx
Yesterday a piece of filling in my tooth chipped off biting a piece of (hard) gum and it hurts &&(GYFF^&^R. Why always Me?
Things between me and Bart are going better, I think. I fel less annoyed all of the time and I am groing more towards him again. Yet the sexual feelings still have nowhere but reappeared. I want to have a good conversation with him sometime soon. You know, the 'where is this all going' classic. Because, where IS this all going? I love him, he loves me, but its a fucked up time for me right now and we Still don't Talk or Do stuff together. Other than watching tv. And despite how much I love him, that is just Not enough.
The party Saturday was wild. I think I danced for a solid 10 hours. We were there from 23:30 to 11:30am and between 7-9am I was totally wiped out, I even took 2 halves of E to try and give me some energy but NOTHING. I even almost fell asleep almost at one point LOL. Can you imagine it? A tiny basement (which was one of the tons of different areas) full of sweaty bouncy people with deafening techno music, and I am sitting in a corner on a couch trying to stay awake :p.
I might post my +/- list of my ed (which was an assignment) here and the one I made with pros and cons for outpatient vs inpatient. In the meantime, feel free to shine some light on the subject. But please be 04819% honest. Don't feel obliged to say I should Definitely go for IP because that would be the 'sane' thing to say or the politically correct. I am being honest about my alterior motives for Not wanting to go IP, so you can be honest as well.
xxxx
I definitely think it's great to consider though. I'm trying to make the decision as if it were mine... I don't think I could do it for the same reason you said, but, maybe you're at a different point than I am. <3
But realistically, like purpleplague said, giving up the ED completely for a while is probably really necessary to TRULY being able to relinquish it and the FEELING of control it gives you (I say feeling because we all know the EDs are really kind of controlling us). In the long term of really recovering, I kind of think it could be a great solution because it would kind of "speed up" the process by making you become really (physically) nourished all at once, which IS a big part of being able to mentally reject the ED. Plus you would presumably be able to talk about any anxiety the eating was causing you if you were in treatment full time, which I imagine would help a lot.
But it is definitely a decision you have to make for yourself because everyone reacts differently to that kind of intense separation from ED behaviors. I am scared that the kind of "forced" weight gain would trigger TOO MUCH anxiety for me and might make me more frustrated overall, but this could also be because I have definitely not given up the weight/size obsession part of my ED - clearly shown by the fact that I effectively don't restrict most days now but constantly agonize over the minor fluctuations in my weight...it's possible that if I had a way to more effectively deal with this I might feel able to "really" recover instead of just nominally (eat more) recover.
This was long, sorry...my bottom line is I think that IP is a good solution, but one you would have to be able to really commit to before going in to avoid the possible backlash from relinquishing so much control at once. But I think it would probably be for the best if you feel ready to do that. And the gains from REALLY pursuing treatment are something that can't be minimized - if you were really successful (and I'm sure you would be), you might be able to really kick the ED's ass and change your life really...
i feel like part time has its benefits. i mean IP is definitely beneficial because you can't cheat but once you leave you no longer have that kind of support and the sudden loss of complete support might be triggering. if i did IP i feel like afterwards i would go into part time... so i can ease myself back into everyday life where support is not 100%.
agreed. very much so.
IP is so much more intensive than IOP, and your eating disorder, among your other problems, is something that is really deeply rooted in you. And like trytry_again said, it will speed up the process as well.
Basically, yep, you need to give up your eating disorder. However I don't think they'll focuss big-time on your weight and gaining, because you're not dangerously underweight and you are eating, like more than an apple a day. It's really tough and strict when you're in that kind of situation.
I'm glad that you have taken steps into the right direction, I feel like if you're gonna go for it, you'll get out of this being very strong.
Honesty is the way
Honestly, I can't call that sane. If you think this way, you're not committed to parttime in the first place. Back to ed is not a security backdoor, it's going back to somewhere that you say you want to get out of. If you will keep falling back to ed when things are hard, it will stay a safe place for you, and you will always miss it and long for it when life gets rough. But the whole deal of recovering is trying to find other ways to deal with the craphole that life is than starving/purging/swelling/etc.
I think it's good that you're brave enough to admit how you feel about fulltime, but I don't think you should give in to that fear.
Having this said, I still do not know if you should go fulltime. My ideology tells me that you should, but I think that having time and working on your actual life is very important for you too. Fulltime would be hard and difficult, and you're entitled to working, gathering money, going out, friends, etc., too.
And, I don't know if fulltime would bring you more than parttime. I mean, I think there's only so much recovery you can make in a certain period of time, whether you work on it full- or parttime. And you'll sooner get fed up with it and say 'hell with it' when you're dealing with it 24/5.
Thus, I think my final verdict would be Nay. Difficult. Mèèèn:|. This is like picking between your husband or yer kid!
Re: Honesty is the way
Re: Honesty is the way
yeah that might be true..
15 euros though?? darn i paid way more haha
are you going to london anytime soon or..?