and tomorrow I am REALLY going to increase my calories again. I have been fuvking up and eating too little

Good morning all!

Hm, so I started drinking some coffee in the morning a few weeks back because I was having some problems with proper bathroom visits TMI haha. (Also, INSTANT coffee since thats the only thing I have since I disliked coffee and since that's the only thing Esmar drinks haha). But now I've also starting to take a liking for it as an energy booster PLUS I have found out I actually like cappucino as well. Great another not too healthy habit to add. Anyways, I'm pretty sure there's calories in cappucino because of the milk foam shit, but can the coffee addicts out there give me some info on calories in different caffeinated drinks, and also the differences etc? I have a great Coffee Company just 'round the corner and they have all sorts of stuff but I'd like to know what I should be trying out.

THANKS

xxx

Oh and also:

"I am pretty sure there's more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.

Life just isn't worth living for.
I'm so fucking tired of everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoUxfHDQUDo

where I'm going tonight!
(don't mind the music... tragically boring moment... )

Taking nude pictures with a webcam for your boyfriend is fun.
Driving him crazy even more ;-)

Anddddd now photobucket decided it would be a good moment to call it quits. So the rest will have to wait some other time!

I felt fat today and bloated and I am on my last pill but I HAVE to weigh myself tomorrow...

I can't fight this battle anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I feel so good and healthy and sane. And now, because I linger so much towards the ed again, I can finally for the first time feel what a difference has been made in my life by going through treatment and stick with it. And I dont WANT to give thatup. I am so scared.  It is already happening. I hate myself. Everybody will hate me. Everybody will be dissapointed. Just like last time.  I already feel dead inside. I havent used a computer for other purposes than fo school in months and I could never imagine getting to this point again...

WHY CAN'T I GET RID OF THIS STOOPID DISORDER ??!?!!

I have been doing really well / well / ok / not so ok in the past few months. It's been 4.5 months since my discharge.
About a month after, I met my new boyfriend. I gotso lost in him and us and the adventure (he lives in another country and has a kid) and new feelings... that my ed felt really really far away. I lost a little weight between my discharge and meeting him, and gained about 3 kilos the first two months.... I was so confused yet ok with that at the same time that Iet myself go and gained another kilo. I was at a new high weight (bmi of 21.3 I think)

For the last month and a half... it slowllyyyy began going downhill. I decided to stop gaining weight and eating like crazy. Then, I decided I should a least lose SOME of that extra weight by watching what I eat and up the exercise.... then I decided I should get below the weight I had when I met Esmar... just to be slim and thin... (even though he doesnt even like that...). and now.... now my mind is going to those really dark places again. I feel the urge to feel frail and thin again. I feel like I need that mission again. The thrive and rush... I am studying nutrition now (which is truly awesome by the way), yet I am almost at that place where I want to throw allmy knowledge on health in the wind and be really stupid

by the way... I havent really LOST any weight yet since I decided on that goal 6 weeks ago.. all that happened is that I toned up a lot because I started with focusing on exercises and weight instead of cardio... allthough I am not completely sure because my scale is half dead but I dont see any difference weight wise either.
I know that I could though and I think I should. it feels so goddamn good. if it wasnt for esmar... i know its a lame excuse... and its stupid to'rely' on external factors for aiding in recovery... yet all i can think is well if it wasnt for him... or... if we broke up i would be devestated but at least i couldlose a shit ton of weight again...

Tomorrow is D-day. Or at least, I hope. I sincerely hope tomorrow will later be known as the day I started treatment and successfully recovered.

I have spent the entire day today in bed with Bart relaxing and watching movies and doing a Desperate Housewives marathon, but since he is screaming at the television right now (football) I thought I'd take a moment to thank all of you for having been there for me the past year, since I started this journal. I remember starting this journal late 2007, probably ~October, furiously trying to lose weight, weight I had regained from losing a lot, fast, earlier that year, when my eating disorder started. That's what my ed mostly was about back then. Lose lose lose and lose some more. Being frustrated with not losing enough. This year it developed into so much more. More pain, more misery. More self-destructive ways and means. From loosely restricting to not eating for days, and from occasionally purging to throwing up multiple times a day, every day. Always struggling in trying to find a safe zone between living and completely losing my mind, resulting in losing weight and gaining weight, from trying to starve to trying to eat. I wanted to be sick, yet I also wanted to stay in control, always, even more so than being sick. That caused an eternal internal conflict. And as of today I still don't know where I stand, or what I need to be able to 'give this up'. All I know is that sometimes you simply have to go through your worst fear. Without knowing what's on the other end.

So. Thank you. I honestly have gotten more soothing words and comfort from you guys, than from my friends in real life. And nowadays, nothing beats the support from my mom, and Bart is amazing and trying his hardest, but I only got their support in this quite recently, and you have been there long before they were, fair's fair. Thank you for reading my journal, and keeping me in your thoughts, even when you were in over your head yourself. I have always tried to return the favor and have come to grown attached and to care about some of you as well.

I don't have a wireless connection over there, what I do have is my phone and a wireless connection in a cafe down the street. As you would've guessed by now, I'll try to read and update whenever I have the chance. But I thought I'd just give a head's up that I will probably be on less. How much less I am not sure. So, this isn't a permanent goodbye, but it is a goodbye to part of me, part of this journal, hello to a new era?

In the meantime; take care everyone !
x

Never mind. I am too stressed to eat and keep it down and do gruelling (sp?) workouts. The thought of it alone freaks me out already. For now I'd rather eat a bit here and there and throw it back up and stay in. I know that breaking this cycle, if only for one day, is the hardest part and after that I'd be back on track in no time but I just can't right now. And tomorrow we're going out to dinner for Ed's birthday and I work during the day and thus cant workout and Sunday I have a big family brunch and my gyms closed on sundays so same situation and I feel lke if I already didnt work out three days now and cant workout for another, I cant make myself go today. It would probably have been FAR better if I had been eating and workoing out instead of puking and being lazy, because now I have to eat those days and keep it in and otherwise my body would probably have had less troubles adjusting to it but whatever. I am going to start on that project RIGHT fucking now and even try and finish it in two days, today and saturday, because if I get it out of the way maybe it'd help with my stress levels. And in the afternoon I'll pick up some more fromage frais and whipped cream for me to eat and purge the coming days. And tell myself I'll get back to the swing of things on Monday, that is, eating and working out.

Maybe I should rephrase that.. The body is worth it. The behaviours aren't. Before, I really couldn't care less. Now, though, I have this very strong sense of not wanting to 'live' my life like this. This is not life, this is merely survival.

i say
fuck it
all
hard

i am so done. let's get fat and move on with life.

Group Monday was very hard and draining. I couldn't control my tears, part of me thinks it had to do with the weekend (E). I was annoyed that I had to cry but also a little relieved. My emotions are kept savely at the bottom somewhere, and most of the time I am not even sure I have feelings/emotions left. Which is scary. So yeah, I couldn't quite decipher what I was crying about but it felt cathartic. At the end of the day my counselor wanted an individual meeting and she suggested I reconsidered going in fulltime. So, that is where my head has been the last couple of days. I have made endless lists with pros and cons and... I just cant figure it out. Honestly, the main reason for not going to inpatient is Not because I think I will do just fine with the parttime program, but because if I do so, I won't have that security backdoor back to my ed. And I have admitted this, and to my mother. I will give it plenty of thought the coming weeks but.... I don't know. The girl in the group who was so abrasive and reluctant at first yesterday told me she decided last week to go into IP and I am so fucking jealous of her (next to being really happy for her, naturally!). She was able to make this decision and 100% commit, She is happy with her decision. I wish I was not afraid to say YES PLEASE TAKE ME IN AND FEED ME LARD 24/5 (5 days a week lol) SO I AM ABLE TO WALK OUT OF HERE IN 6 MONTHS ALL ROUND AND PLUMP YET INSANELY HAPPY AND ~NORMAL~. For a long time I thought being normal was dull and boring, now I wish I could just be normal.

Yesterday a piece of filling in my tooth chipped off biting a piece of (hard) gum and it hurts &&(GYFF^&^R. Why always Me?

Things between me and Bart are going better, I think. I fel less annoyed all of the time and I am groing more towards him again. Yet the sexual feelings still have nowhere but reappeared. I want to have a good conversation with him sometime soon. You know, the 'where is this all going' classic. Because, where IS this all going? I love him, he loves me, but its a fucked up time for me right now and we Still don't Talk or Do stuff together. Other than watching tv. And despite how much I love him, that is just Not enough.

The party Saturday was wild. I think I danced for a solid 10 hours. We were there from 23:30 to 11:30am and between 7-9am I was totally wiped out, I even took 2 halves of E to try and give me some energy but NOTHING. I even almost fell asleep almost at one point LOL. Can you imagine it? A tiny basement (which was one of the tons of different areas) full of sweaty bouncy people with deafening techno music, and I am sitting in a corner on a couch trying to stay awake :p.

I might post my +/- list of my ed (which was an assignment) here and the one I made with pros and cons for outpatient vs inpatient. In the meantime, feel free to shine some light on the subject. But please be 04819% honest. Don't feel obliged to say I should Definitely go for IP because that would be the 'sane' thing to say or the politically correct. I am being honest about my alterior motives for Not wanting to go IP, so you can be honest as well.

xxxx

I love you guys so much. Thanks. Thank you for being there for me. Still feeling really lost but things must get better. They have to. Bart and my parents were so sweet yesterday. They were able to comfort me a little, as were you. I can't promise anything for the rest of the week but at least for today I am following my schedule. X

Work
Post office
Tattoo shop
Gym
Sleeping pills
Sleep

Wake up
Pee
Weigh
Cry



I'm so bloated

I really need to find a way to turn my mood around, this is scary. I need to find something that will comfort me, let me know this will pass, will make me feel ok...

the subjection of the body and/or self to pain and fear, ultimately resulting in a transitory sense of master over pain and fear.