thinanimous

You know what, I've never given a proper introduction thing-y about myself, so I'm gonna.
Mind you, I am really boring and never good at giving introductions lol, I always get so self-consious (well doh). 


My name is Sabine and I am from the Netherlands. I live in a town near Amsterdam, I think that will ring a bell for most? I'll be 20 at the end of next Month so goodbye teens!

K, all done now!
Please let me know if you want to know anything else. Doubtfull, I know.
I'll leave this post unlocked so people can get to know me a bit before adding me :-) 
(And please comment first before adding! Greatly appreciated!)

 

(Oh and I just wanted to say one more thing: I am really thankful I got to know so many great girls here on livejournal, 
it truly makes me feel less alone in this, and I find you all so funny, interesting, thoughtful and SWEET. )


K BYE

Tomorrow is D-day. Or at least, I hope. I sincerely hope tomorrow will later be known as the day I started treatment and successfully recovered.

I have spent the entire day today in bed with Bart relaxing and watching movies and doing a Desperate Housewives marathon, but since he is screaming at the television right now (football) I thought I'd take a moment to thank all of you for having been there for me the past year, since I started this journal. I remember starting this journal late 2007, probably ~October, furiously trying to lose weight, weight I had regained from losing a lot, fast, earlier that year, when my eating disorder started. That's what my ed mostly was about back then. Lose lose lose and lose some more. Being frustrated with not losing enough. This year it developed into so much more. More pain, more misery. More self-destructive ways and means. From loosely restricting to not eating for days, and from occasionally purging to throwing up multiple times a day, every day. Always struggling in trying to find a safe zone between living and completely losing my mind, resulting in losing weight and gaining weight, from trying to starve to trying to eat. I wanted to be sick, yet I also wanted to stay in control, always, even more so than being sick. That caused an eternal internal conflict. And as of today I still don't know where I stand, or what I need to be able to 'give this up'. All I know is that sometimes you simply have to go through your worst fear. Without knowing what's on the other end.

So. Thank you. I honestly have gotten more soothing words and comfort from you guys, than from my friends in real life. And nowadays, nothing beats the support from my mom, and Bart is amazing and trying his hardest, but I only got their support in this quite recently, and you have been there long before they were, fair's fair. Thank you for reading my journal, and keeping me in your thoughts, even when you were in over your head yourself. I have always tried to return the favor and have come to grown attached and to care about some of you as well.

I don't have a wireless connection over there, what I do have is my phone and a wireless connection in a cafe down the street. As you would've guessed by now, I'll try to read and update whenever I have the chance. But I thought I'd just give a head's up that I will probably be on less. How much less I am not sure. So, this isn't a permanent goodbye, but it is a goodbye to part of me, part of this journal, hello to a new era?

In the meantime; take care everyone !
x

Never mind. I am too stressed to eat and keep it down and do gruelling (sp?) workouts. The thought of it alone freaks me out already. For now I'd rather eat a bit here and there and throw it back up and stay in. I know that breaking this cycle, if only for one day, is the hardest part and after that I'd be back on track in no time but I just can't right now. And tomorrow we're going out to dinner for Ed's birthday and I work during the day and thus cant workout and Sunday I have a big family brunch and my gyms closed on sundays so same situation and I feel lke if I already didnt work out three days now and cant workout for another, I cant make myself go today. It would probably have been FAR better if I had been eating and workoing out instead of puking and being lazy, because now I have to eat those days and keep it in and otherwise my body would probably have had less troubles adjusting to it but whatever. I am going to start on that project RIGHT fucking now and even try and finish it in two days, today and saturday, because if I get it out of the way maybe it'd help with my stress levels. And in the afternoon I'll pick up some more fromage frais and whipped cream for me to eat and purge the coming days. And tell myself I'll get back to the swing of things on Monday, that is, eating and working out.

Maybe I should rephrase that.. The body is worth it. The behaviours aren't. Before, I really couldn't care less. Now, though, I have this very strong sense of not wanting to 'live' my life like this. This is not life, this is merely survival.

i say
fuck it
all
hard

i am so done. let's get fat and move on with life.

Group Monday was very hard and draining. I couldn't control my tears, part of me thinks it had to do with the weekend (E). I was annoyed that I had to cry but also a little relieved. My emotions are kept savely at the bottom somewhere, and most of the time I am not even sure I have feelings/emotions left. Which is scary. So yeah, I couldn't quite decipher what I was crying about but it felt cathartic. At the end of the day my counselor wanted an individual meeting and she suggested I reconsidered going in fulltime. So, that is where my head has been the last couple of days. I have made endless lists with pros and cons and... I just cant figure it out. Honestly, the main reason for not going to inpatient is Not because I think I will do just fine with the parttime program, but because if I do so, I won't have that security backdoor back to my ed. And I have admitted this, and to my mother. I will give it plenty of thought the coming weeks but.... I don't know. The girl in the group who was so abrasive and reluctant at first yesterday told me she decided last week to go into IP and I am so fucking jealous of her (next to being really happy for her, naturally!). She was able to make this decision and 100% commit, She is happy with her decision. I wish I was not afraid to say YES PLEASE TAKE ME IN AND FEED ME LARD 24/5 (5 days a week lol) SO I AM ABLE TO WALK OUT OF HERE IN 6 MONTHS ALL ROUND AND PLUMP YET INSANELY HAPPY AND ~NORMAL~. For a long time I thought being normal was dull and boring, now I wish I could just be normal.

Yesterday a piece of filling in my tooth chipped off biting a piece of (hard) gum and it hurts &&(GYFF^&^R. Why always Me?

Things between me and Bart are going better, I think. I fel less annoyed all of the time and I am groing more towards him again. Yet the sexual feelings still have nowhere but reappeared. I want to have a good conversation with him sometime soon. You know, the 'where is this all going' classic. Because, where IS this all going? I love him, he loves me, but its a fucked up time for me right now and we Still don't Talk or Do stuff together. Other than watching tv. And despite how much I love him, that is just Not enough.

The party Saturday was wild. I think I danced for a solid 10 hours. We were there from 23:30 to 11:30am and between 7-9am I was totally wiped out, I even took 2 halves of E to try and give me some energy but NOTHING. I even almost fell asleep almost at one point LOL. Can you imagine it? A tiny basement (which was one of the tons of different areas) full of sweaty bouncy people with deafening techno music, and I am sitting in a corner on a couch trying to stay awake :p.

I might post my +/- list of my ed (which was an assignment) here and the one I made with pros and cons for outpatient vs inpatient. In the meantime, feel free to shine some light on the subject. But please be 04819% honest. Don't feel obliged to say I should Definitely go for IP because that would be the 'sane' thing to say or the politically correct. I am being honest about my alterior motives for Not wanting to go IP, so you can be honest as well.

xxxx

I love you guys so much. Thanks. Thank you for being there for me. Still feeling really lost but things must get better. They have to. Bart and my parents were so sweet yesterday. They were able to comfort me a little, as were you. I can't promise anything for the rest of the week but at least for today I am following my schedule. X

Work
Post office
Tattoo shop
Gym
Sleeping pills
Sleep

Wake up
Pee
Weigh
Cry



I'm so bloated

I really need to find a way to turn my mood around, this is scary. I need to find something that will comfort me, let me know this will pass, will make me feel ok...

the subjection of the body and/or self to pain and fear, ultimately resulting in a transitory sense of master over pain and fear.

Something is different. Something changed. It feels awkward, but at the same time as though it's never been any different. Will try to be more elaborate later.

Clinic called today. I am now first on the list, thanks to my dr, and can me expecting a call for he intake anytime soon now. I pretent to be really happy.

Stole this from amyisacreep

Things that make me happy:

 1. My family
     The bond between me and my mom really re-established itself throughout the last few months. We were always very close, maybe too
     much for a healthy mother/daughter relationship, but between her getting into a new serious relationship, my puberty-from-hell and
     eating disorder, we totally grew distand from each other. Now it's all getting back together. The rest of my family, Ed, my little brothers, my
     dog, grandparents, aunts and uncles, the whole nine-yards, I saw them all today (except for one aunt and uncle, which I love the mosttough)
     and they also make me insanely happy and warm inside. I guess by now they all know, but I have never talked to any of them about it,
     but they made sure to ask how I was doing by quick one-on-one moments, with a warm and comforting tone, and eyes that told me they
     were there for me.
2. My boyfriend
3. He's actually part of the family and I already mentioned him, but Happy, my dog. He's silly and lazy and never wants to go out for walks,
    but he's a great little champ.
4. My room in Amsterdam (not my landlord though, fucking A-hole)
5. Reading. Magazines, blogs, books, articles, websites. Info info info, either for know;edge or leisure, I leech every letter I see.
6. Writing. I do it too little though. I really hope this coming schoolyear I can make this blog more about me and my life instead of me and my
    eating disorder, even though the thought of that still seems far, far away. Old routines yearn for old behaviours.....
7. Grocery shopping for healthy foods
8. Applying for a new job tomorrow (helping elder people with tasks around the house, cleaning, shopping for them, etc)
    Because I HATE the job I do now (telemarketing), it was challenging in the beginning but I want to do something worth my time,
    make a contribution to society, feel like I am actually helping others or doing something valuable.
9. Going on vacation with Bart in the beginning of November. 7-10 days to the Canary Islands, Fuerta Ventura, Egypt, we're not 100%
    sure yet
10. My fashion-sense. I can be really insecure about it at times because I can always find someone, on any given day, that I envy for their
      pick of clothes, or special accesoiries, but I realize I can just get inspiration from that rather than seeing myself as less capable for
      not coming up with that myself. Besides, I looked really cute and fashionable today ;-).
11. I am happy I have a good functioning body, and a good set of brains. When in highschool I could always notice the difference between
      me and people that were, well, simpler of mind. I am no genius but I am smart and clever and a quick-learner and it's one of the things I
     am happiest about to have been blessed with.
12. Movies
13. Alcohol
14. Bowling
15. Running
16. Money
17. Yoghurt + fruit
18. Whipped cream
19. Photographs
20. Animals (cute little ones in particular, but all really)
21. Shopping
22. Getting a tattoo with my mom
23. Living on my own
24. Friends (the sitcom)
25. Friends (real-life. i dont have many, but the ones I do have, make me happy a whole lot)
26. The sun
28. Chocolate
29. Being comfortable in/with my body, even if its only for half a day
30. Dancing



I will make this list longer whenever I have something new Iand remember, lol)

I had a very nice female doctor who happened to work for an we clinic in the past so I didn't get stuck with some badly educated prick at least. Normally they only schedule you in for 15 minutes nut I was there for almost an hour, she reAlly took the time for me. I got referred to a psycologist specialized in eds but now I'm doubting if maybe I shouldve asked for a regular one as I think I mainly/firstly want to work/talk about al other stuff instead the we itsself right away. Anyway, her diagnosis after weighing measuring and a shitload of questions was AN purging type. She also wanted me to go to the hospital right away to do the battery of tests. She weighed me at 45.5 but (accidentally I guess) put my bmi down at 16.9 while right now its 17.2 I believe (barf). I had to agree to come back every 2 or 3 weeks to weigh and check my health etc.

Ok just to inform you bc I'm posting from my phone, have to work now
Never mind the tags

And onto day 4. I feel like serious Crap. Whatever though. Yesterday during the movies Bart brought drinks and junkfood, to be sweet and cute haha. Felt kind of a bitch for not eating but I did have some hard candies, the ones you suck, I'd figured that would be the farthest from actually eating. It did upset my stomach quite a bit though. Fuck, I really do feel shot. My stomachhurts and I'm nauseous. Can't wait to get home, work is boring.

 

So, today has been fairly unproductive, ugh. Its 6:30 now and, basically, all I have done is grocery shopping and exercise. Well its not all my fault, in my defence. I was supposed to have class from 1 to 5:30 so I decided to just lounge around a bit in the morn, then go to class, gym, supermarket, work for school. However, the guy from my first class didnt show up (not that it matters his workshops are ridiculous but I went bc I 'missed' last week already) and my fashion styling class turned out to be tomorrow morn instead of today! So I went to the gym earlier, and after that I did some pretty good grocery shopping, got everything I need for this week and I have spend a total of €15 muhaha. I do have more cash obviously but I wanted to challenge myself (and be cheap, doh). I bought smoked chicken which is enough for tossing in three salads, and turkey (which was actually enough for 4 nights but they didnt have smaller packs!) and of course some stuff as bread etc, and MUSHROOMS. I swear, they are my new addiction. The little slightly brown ones. They are to die for with a little ketchup. Now I just have to keep myself from eating the entire box because I also need a few for dinner this week. Anyway, I was only done with shopping and dividing and freezing and putting away etc etc until half an hour ago. Should really do a little for school.

At the gym I was planning on doing an hour in the elliptical but man when I got on I already felt it wasnt going to happen. It just didnt feel right. I was so afraid I was gonna say fuck it and leave, but I decided to instead do half an hour on the bike and then run in the evening but I finished an hour on the bike + 10 extra mins on the elliptical after :D. Thank God, I can never forgive myself for not exercising. Its just wrong.


Things I want to add to my daily routine:

- 15 mins of morning 'exercise' (dancing) first thing in the morning, to wake up
- 10PM last cup of tea, right after that brush teeth and do some stretching, in bed by 10:30-ish, watch one Friends episode, go to sleep


xx

ps
I saw someone else do this and I like the idea! 

haha iligally downloaded Sims and Photoshop, shhht!

I think I need to start being more careful again. Apparently my mom and her boyfriend had a discussion, behind my back, how I never eat at home and blabla, and they want that to change. This afternoon Ed say me doing crunches in mt room (learn to knock for crying out loud, you're 43 you should know by now...) after coming home from running for over an hour. Then when I sneaked downstairs to measure out my yoghurt he came into the kitchen and also saw that. Actually I changed from measuring it in a cup, to weighing it on a food scale, takes less time and leaves no evidence, but yeah, my secrecy didnt last too long uurgh. Besides I think, I think, Ed might have seen my scales like a few weeks back... which are hidden in an old laptop case I dont use. I didnt put it back in I just put it behind it because I wanted to weigh again later in the day (.....) and when I came back he vacuumed my room. Big scare. He hasnt mentioned it yet so I could be wrong, could also be he did saw, knows, but just leaves me in the dark about it... So yesterday was a little blow-up about me never eating dinner, I got quite defensive (NEVER a good strategy) but its not too late to turn things around. I will just make sure to eat dinner at home every 600 and 800 day to throw them off guard. I'm far ahead of this game.

I slept over at Barts' yesterday so I weighed myself this morning after a yoghurt and two big mugs of tea and I was 47,3 :D. If it wasnt for the CHINESE food we had for dinner, I would have seen a 46.something tomorrow for sure. My aunt and uncle and my little nieces came to visit today. Luckily I had it planned out to be a 600 day so I wouldnt have to be panicky about dinner. Until my mom told me we were going to have CHINESE a couple of days ago. I think I ded really well though. 1/2 of an eggrole (a big one) = 200cals? a few tablespoons of nasi (white rice) = 200ish? and then half a tblsp babi pangang (very bad I think but soo delicious) =50? so I am pretty sure around 450ish, and I had 150 for the rest of the day, so it should be according to plan. However, it just feels wrong. Such a big dinner. Sitting inside of me. And I know for a fact that is has a 483294329x more salt than I normally eat (hardly any) so yeah. Hope I dont cry on the scales tomorrow :p. Not too worried really about that though. I know I am a solid 47ish now, I maintained it for a week, while I was going for 47.5. Its all good.

Today I tried on all my jeans again and they all fit perfectly again woot woot. Even that one from the kids department that one kg ago I could hardly get over my ass (its really small lol). But now? It might just be my new fav jeans.

God I want that Chinese out. I am not used to having such big meals. Just have to keep reminding myself that it was deliscious (cant deny) and I stuck to my planning.

Yoghurt is my new addiction by the way. I have been eating it for a long time already but I like it more and more each day haha, and making new fun combinations. In the past week I have already mixed it together with canned peaches, forest fruits and, today, cut in half grapes. Grapes! I used to be afraid of grapes (and bananas) so I am making progress :).

Last thing I want to share is that I am doing fucking great with not munching anymore. Like, 0. Nothing. Not even one grape I will eat if I did not plan it, nor one strawberry I will eat without counting the calories for it. I used to be like this but somehow I my mindset completely changed, for a few months or so, and I would always be like, a little of this, some of that, a few sips of milk, bite of that, mouthful here and there, what the hell does it matter? But it was bothering me to no end, so I decided it had to stop, I wanted my old control back. I think that actually losing weight again makes me more determined to regain control over every aspect of it. The last few months every time the thought of taking a bite/lick/crumb of whatever came up, I acted upon it, immidiately. I dont know how the hell I did it, but with the same ease my mind now automatically goes NO. And its as simple as that. I dont keep pondering over it, or spending another second of my thoughts on it. I am pretty sure that within no time I wont even think about it anymore, like I never used to. It feels so good. To stand above food, far far above it. My body, my rules (err sorry for the cornyness but hey). (Example; yesterday I went to Barts last basketball game of his season, they kept hanging around at the bar till like 2, I also wanted to but my body just cant handle that anymore so I went home at 12ish. Went to his appt. was there all by myself for a few hours. He, ans his roommate, always have to gigantic jars of PB, which I can never, ever, resist for 100%. Sometimes I can restrain myself to just a few licks, sometimes I take it, well, TOO far. I didnt even so much as LOOK at the jars yesterday. This morning when I woke up I wanted to eat just a tiny bit, for the taste, 2 minutes later I was like OMG did I seriously just even CONSIDER that? Sabine 1, Peanutbutter 0. Also, my mom just put out all sorts of cakes for everyone, before dinner time, and of course I didnt take any, but there were a lit of crumbs on the plate. Normally I would have definitely eaten from that, now I didnt. Its not about the calories, its about me not wanting to be like that any longer. THE END).

So yes, all is good. Cant wait to get to the 46'S again. I have a feeling it wont be long : ). 

aaa I have some sort of rash on the inside of my leg and it fucking hurts :( i first thought it was a muscle hurting from all the walking but I saw its red and its hot :(

What? I didn 't lose anything (ok ok, 0,1kg) over night? BURN. I am praying it is because I have to get my period in about 4-5 days, but honestly I hate relying on excuses like that.... but I figure it would almost be impossible to have actually lost none. I didn't eat yesterday, of course, I walked for an hour, I jogged for 30 minutes on the treadmill, and I did the elliptical for 30 minutes. All in all 600 calorie burnt.

Yesterday I decided to not extent my fast to four days. Because a) I was convinced to have reached 47,3 by now, and b) because I dont want to jinx anything or something like that. Meaning, that it could cause me to either have issues eating after the fast, and having tremendous anxiety for gaining weight, or 360 degrees the other way around; it would make me more prone to binge. Although I couldn't even think about binging now, you never know. I was going trough it in my head over and over again, and decided firmly that I would stop fasting today. However when I woke up this morning (technically at 4am seeing as I didnt get back to sleep after that :/ ) I wanted to keep going. I am not hungry, I am giving my body a break from exercising today, and I dont have anything important to do so it wouldn't hurt. Plus, the longest I have ever fasted is three days, could be interesting to push myself a little further. I also felt like a zombie for a few hours yesterday, but it all turned out ok, and I am still feeling fine now. So, to come to the point, one more day of fasting. Now I am just terribly afraid I wont lose anything again overnight, which would be devastating, but there's also a chance I will lose a little more? I'll take my changes. I have been really good though. Exercising everyday and drinking even more than 3L (12 cups).

This Sunday my aunt and uncle are coming to visit and staying for dinner and I had it planned out that it would be on a 600 day so to not mess up that schedule, I am going to do 2462468, so skipping the first 800 day. Which is saver anyway I think so shortly after fasting.

FAIL

BINGE(ing)

FOUR DAY 0cal FAST STARTING TOMORROW